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1:06 AM
Ending Credits
Sadly, the show has come to an end. I thank all those who have read my entries from time to time, though I know there weren't many happy ones to lift your spirits.I have decided to put an ellipsis on this chapter of my life. Henceforth, I will not update this blog anymore. For those who'd like to know my new blog address, do drop me a line, and I might let you into my new world. For one, I know it's never going to be the same. For better or for worse, only time will tell.Norispurs - not yet redeemed.Adieu.
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:::::::::: My path to Redemption ::::::::
10:18 PM
Living in the past...
Contrary to what I had imagined, I am still hung up over it.Memories, emotions, feelings both sweet and bitter, all came flooding back in that instant. I knew then, that I have failed to get on with my life...Damn.
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:::::::::: My path to Redemption ::::::::
12:03 AM
An unlikely gratification
Escapism. It's the easy way out for all cowards in life.Rationalisation. You just convince yourself of a fact that never bore an ounce of truth.Degradation. When the going gets tough, the tough gets you and you fall into the depths of despair.Solitude. Someday, you wake up, only to find that singularity is all there ever was.I'm just moving on... Back to square one...
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:::::::::: My path to Redemption ::::::::
11:31 PM
Question Mark
There are many things I'd like answers to. Big question marks all around me, and everything I see or feel is filled with uncertainty and a truckload of questions. At times, I don't even think I know what my general direction is; I'm just heading in a spiral, going round and round and round, with no impending destination... Damn these silly thoughts. I should shrug all of them away, and pay no more attention to such idiosyncrasies anymore. They are harmful to my well-being. Indulging in endless waves of dreams and fantasies, that in reality, will never happen, is detrimental to my mental health. Not to mention the disastrous effects on my emotional and physical state of mind. What utter nonsense and pure crap...These question marks will be here to stay, as long as I am still waddling in these murky waters of desolation. Until I do find the courage to take the first step out, gratification will forever elude my needy embrace. All I need is a sign. Any sign. Just a sign to give me a push, and motivate me to make the first move. I am no religious zealot, but I do believe in karma, and what goes around comes around. I really hope that I've paid my dues, and that Retribution is finally satisfied with the torment on my moral degeneration and self-destruction which I have deservedly endured. Hear my call...
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:::::::::: My path to Redemption ::::::::
11:30 PM
Irrational Rationalisation
Always thinking about it... The whole damn shitty affair... It saddens me to realise that I am still hung up over it. And the truth hurts all the same; no more, no less. With each passing day, I have slowly come to accept it, and made my peace with the situation. But deep inside my ailing heart, I am fully aware of my own failings... That I'd still love to take another chance, give it one more shot, should the opportunity arise.Life goes on, but life is so fucked up. Poor academic qualifications, poor job start, poor financial security, and a screwed up relationship to top it all. There's little joy in life, apart from having a few great friends, and a bunch of warm, friendly and supporting colleagues. I derive little pleasure from whatever consolation that is presented before me. Life is such a unfulfilling journey... Life is a bitch; what a fucked up bitch... Damn."It's always been you, Rach..." - Ross (Friends)
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:::::::::: My path to Redemption ::::::::
2:57 PM
What hurts the most...
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do
It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ it
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to doMe? I say just fuck it... It's a cow's opinion, it doesn't matter; it's moo... Fuck.
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:::::::::: My path to Redemption ::::::::
1:37 AM
Questions
Just what am I doing now? It's something I've been trying hard to answer myself. Nothing I do seems to make particular sense at all. The emptiness, I know I am not lacking. But the fun, I seem to have it all in abundance, lavishing in excellent company and experiencing joy like never before...It's true, I'm totally out of control - I need to sort my life out. Am I going to go down that path again; the path trodden before, one that led me to nowhere. I dare not harbour any expectations, yet the heart is probably eager to just grab at any sign of hope. "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies". This line from "The Shawshank Redemption" aptly describes why I should look towards hope for my redemption. But yet I know that hope can oftentimes forsake you, and be like the whore Fortune is commonly known for. One moment it smiles at you and lifts you up to seventh heaven, the next instant, it crudely deals a death blow which sends your whole world crumbling down, leaving you to suffer your untimely destruction.Hope. I will keep that on hold. Take it with a pinch of salt, as I have plenty of reservations on placing all my faith on something that is so intangible, highly erratic, and never trustworthy. Hope, like Fortune, was never Man's best friend. Yet, it does provide us with some sort of salvation. Someday...It sucks to hate someone; to have utter abhorrence for that individual. I know I can never fully bring myself to despise a person, yet the things that have come to pass, despite all my willingness to salvage the situation, has only further fuelled the hate. Now, I have already dished out the verdict, so let it be. I'm done with everything and there's finally closure now... Although I know I'll probably regret it for the rest of my life...
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:::::::::: My path to Redemption ::::::::
12:26 AM
An emotional outpouring
Release is never possible. How can one ever escape the clutches of despair? The nights are never kind to a soul so very afflicted by the perils of war and pain. You toss and turn, you feel the fear and taste the blood. The incessant knocking on your door keeps you clutching your blanket for protection so worthless, that even rodents won't copulate in. You live in medieval times, and liberation was not once in sight.
There are scum in society; downright despicable, loathesome beings that deserve nothing but an eternity of purgatory. Redemption lies not in making up for what they have sinned, but in believing that they have indeed sinned. That self-rationalisation should propel one towards salvation in morality, through sheer faith and fervour - is this too much of an utopia?
Where then, do the transgressors lie? The rejects of society, the outcasts of modern city people. The line is but thin air, a perfectly transparent pane of glass that not even the shrewdest human instinct can perceive. And crossing the line is as simple as taking a breath, like how we do countless times a day, out of mere necessity. Oftentimes, we haven't even the slightest inkling that we've edged in excess, and the price of ignorance is an avalanche of disasters come parking at your doorway.
I'm not here to preach philosophy, nor to give my pessimistic view of life in summary. It's the truth as I see it, and will ever believe in, at least for the time being. My resolve has been shaken, and until I seek a new revelation, the will has forsaken me; I had taken a plunge into the depths of Hell. But what is Hell to one, may not be Hell to another. I can't say for sure that the mental state of mind is ever going to be stable anymore. Humour as a defence mechanism. Work as a distraction. Friends as a means of getting by. All these seem so superficial.
I vividly remember a line from the sitcom "Friends", when Phoebe was lecturing Joey after he stood her up for dinner over a girl he just met. She remarked, "Boyfriends and girlfriends will come and go, but this (pointing to Joey and herself in a back and forth manner), is for life". I used to think that it was so true. Well, to a certain extent, I still do. But somethings change, and perceptions change along with the maturing (or sometimes, degeneration) of the human mind. Friends do come and go too. And when they go, who says it'll always end in peace and harmony?
There's no truth in lies; it is so blatantly obvious. But we all like to live a lie, and enjoy whatever short term happiness at the expense of an era of pain to come. Let this be a lesson to all of us; to me, in particular, as I ponder over the degrading behaviour and irresponsible life that I now lead. I couldn't give 2 hoots about many things in life now. And it is just such nonchalant disregard for everything that will lead me to my very doom."This parachute is a knapsack!" - Chandler Bing
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:::::::::: My path to Redemption ::::::::
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